Reflections on Ambition, Struggle, and the Pursuit of Meaning

I’ve been running. Not literally, but in that frantic, metaphorical way where you’re chasing something—success, freedom, something—and you’re not entirely sure what it looks like or if you’re even on the right path. I don’t want to be chained to a company, slaving away for someone else’s dream. That much is clear. I want to build something of my own, to be a founder, to carve out a legacy that’s mine. It’s a vague goal, I’ll admit, one that sounds almost cliché when I say it out loud. But it’s there, burning quietly in the back of my mind, driving me forward even when I’m stumbling.

The thing is, I’ve been using adult content as a means to an end. It’s not the goal itself, not the purpose of my life. It’s just… material. A tool. A way to generate income, or so I thought. But let’s be real: it hasn’t worked. The revenue isn’t there. Zero. Nada. And deep down, I can’t shake the feeling that trying to make money this way might be a mistake. Not just morally—though yeah, that’s part of it—but practically. It’s a dead end. I’m not proud of it, and I’m not entirely comfortable with it either. There’s a quiet unease that creeps in when I think too hard about it, a sense that I’m flirting with something a little dangerous, a little reckless.

And yet, I keep going. Why? Because I’m stubborn? Because I don’t know what else to do? Maybe. I’ve tried other things too—blogging, vibe coding, throwing myself into random creative projects that feel meaningful in the moment but lead nowhere. None of it has that spark, that promise of financial stability or even a hint of traction. It’s like I’m tossing darts at a board blindfolded, hoping one will stick. Spoiler: they haven’t.

Sometimes, I wonder if I should just quit. Pack it all up, admit defeat, and find a safer, saner path. But there’s this part of me that resists, that insists on figuring it out while I’m still in motion. “Think while you run,” it says. Stopping feels like surrender, and I’m not ready for that. Not yet.

So here I am, trying to take a step back, to reflect on where I’ve been and where I’m going. The past is a mess of half-baked ideas and failed experiments. The present is a grind, a constant hustle that’s more exhausting than exhilarating. And the future? It’s a big question mark. I need to sort through this chaos, to make sense of it all. What’s working? What’s not? What do I actually want?

The world can seem full of good things sometimes. You see people succeeding, building empires, living lives that look effortless and fulfilling. But the closer you look, the more you realize that “good” is often just the absence of failure. It’s the stuff that didn’t go wrong, the disasters that didn’t happen. The bad things? They’re all real. They’re the ones that actually show up—missed opportunities, empty bank accounts, late nights questioning every decision you’ve ever made. The good stuff is a mirage, always just out of reach.

And yet, I don’t want to wallow in despair. I can’t. It’s tempting, sure, to let the weight of it all crush me, to give in to the idea that nothing will ever work out. But that’s not how I want to live. Instead, I’m leaning into what I’ve started calling “rational optimism.” It’s not blind hope or naive positivity. It’s the belief that, despite the setbacks, despite the failures, there’s a way forward. It’s about accepting the despair but choosing to keep moving anyway. It’s about finding a balance between realism and resilience, knowing that the world can be brutal but refusing to let it break you.

I don’t have all the answers. Hell, I barely have any. But I’m starting to think that the process of asking these questions—of reflecting, of struggling, of running—is part of the point. Maybe success isn’t just about hitting some arbitrary milestone or making a certain amount of money. Maybe it’s about learning to live with the uncertainty, to keep going even when the path is unclear.

For now, I’ll keep running. I’ll keep thinking. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll figure it out along the way.